I will build walls around my house, around my room, around my heart. You will never get in, no one will again. I will never get out, i don’t want to get out. I will not leave until i have found myself again, or i will cease.
ever lose yourself? I have. I have forgotten who i am. I have no idea what i feel anymore. The only things that make me happy are people and things from when i was young. Ive fucked up a lot of things since then. This is my public apology for every person i’ve hurt. I am truly sorry. I have no idea who i’ve become, or who i was back then for that matter. I feel like i need to sit in my room and think, the last couple hours have produced that little tidbit of info. I don’t know what i want, what i like, what i love. I have no idea, through the years i have just lost the things that made me me. I’m finding them tonight.
This will be my most random post yet. I might just be sleep deprived or angry or hungry… i don’t know which at the moment haha. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really have lost every sense of direction for my life. I have this big plan that i hope will work out but who knows. All i ever wanted was to go to school, get a job, get married, and have kids. But honestly… i don’t think that’s going to happen. I don’t think i want it to happen anymore. I want to go to Australia and see a Kiwi. If that’s all i ever do in my life i will be happy. I realized as i’m typing that i literally haven’t been on this computer in months, so i’m basically typing in dust..its fairly disgusting. Oh well. These thoughts that creep into my mind, when i was younger i never thought it would be like this for me. I’ve progressively lost and gained friends throughout the years, i always wanted my future to be in stone. I thought that i would be friends with my friends at woodland forever. I thought i would end up marrying Barrett and that would be my life. I don’t know if that was me just being young and naive or if it was wishful thinking now that i look back on it all. I didn’t think i would end up wanting to be adventurous and spontaneous. I don’t want anything to be set in stone anymore. I want to go outside and climb trees for the rest of my life. Let me be a kid forever, that’s all i want.
I have a good feeling. I was thinking about it last night, how everything is now. No matter what happens… i will always want to be with you. It’s a wonderful feeling. Like slow motion, a car crash…even when its all over you still believe everything will be alright, you know why? because it will be alright. As long as i have you, i will have this feeling. I can’t wait for our adventures this weekend. North west trek…and then on to the rain forest with my parents =] I love you