I will build walls around my house, around my room, around my heart. You will never get in, no one will again. I will never get out, i don’t want to get out. I will not leave until i have found myself again, or i will cease.
Make someone love you. No matter how much you care to. No matter how much you try, beg, cry…you cannot make someone care as much as you do, if they don’t. It hurts twice as much than being cheated on.
ever lose yourself? I have. I have forgotten who i am. I have no idea what i feel anymore. The only things that make me happy are people and things from when i was young. Ive fucked up a lot of things since then. This is my public apology for every person i’ve hurt. I am truly sorry. I have no idea who i’ve become, or who i was back then for that matter. I feel like i need to sit in my room and think, the last couple hours have produced that little tidbit of info. I don’t know what i want, what i like, what i love. I have no idea, through the years i have just lost the things that made me me. I’m finding them tonight.
This will be my most random post yet. I might just be sleep deprived or angry or hungry… i don’t know which at the moment haha. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really have lost every sense of direction for my life. I have this big plan that i hope will work out but who knows. All i ever wanted was to go to school, get a job, get married, and have kids. But honestly… i don’t think that’s going to happen. I don’t think i want it to happen anymore. I want to go to Australia and see a Kiwi. If that’s all i ever do in my life i will be happy. I realized as i’m typing that i literally haven’t been on this computer in months, so i’m basically typing in dust..its fairly disgusting. Oh well. These thoughts that creep into my mind, when i was younger i never thought it would be like this for me. I’ve progressively lost and gained friends throughout the years, i always wanted my future to be in stone. I thought that i would be friends with my friends at woodland forever. I thought i would end up marrying Barrett and that would be my life. I don’t know if that was me just being young and naive or if it was wishful thinking now that i look back on it all. I didn’t think i would end up wanting to be adventurous and spontaneous. I don’t want anything to be set in stone anymore. I want to go outside and climb trees for the rest of my life. Let me be a kid forever, that’s all i want.
I have a good feeling. I was thinking about it last night, how everything is now. No matter what happens… i will always want to be with you. It’s a wonderful feeling. Like slow motion, a car crash…even when its all over you still believe everything will be alright, you know why? because it will be alright. As long as i have you, i will have this feeling. I can’t wait for our adventures this weekend. North west trek…and then on to the rain forest with my parents =] I love you